


Teenage Dirtbag

by ratbox



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 18:50:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14195442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratbox/pseuds/ratbox
Summary: jared likes to climb to the roof of his house to calm down. after evan and his fight, he needs some time to cool down, so, he climbs to the roof, and thinks about everything, and how he could have stopped it all.





	Teenage Dirtbag

**Author's Note:**

> reminder that this is kleinsen-esque.  
> they're not Really in a relationship, it's just kind of jared pining i guess.  
> pardon any spelling errors, i wrote this when i was rlly tired (it was 11:00 but i get tired easy lmao)  
> this is ,, honestly so bad but . i needed to write something before i went completely insane.  
> i hope its okay with yall.  
> BTW this is my first time publishing something on ao3 so, hooray i guess :0  
> aNYWAY enjoy

_"I could tell everyone, everything!"_

_"Fine, you go ahead and do that. Tell everyone you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!"_

_"Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!"_

 

The scene played through Jared's memory like an 80's film. It seemed unreal that everything had happened. And so fast. One moment they're getting along, everything is good, and the next they're on opposites sides of the world. Metaphorically. Jared hadn't felt this alone in a while. Everything was going so well, Jared was working well with Evan, cooperating with the whole stupid email idea. And then one thing sparks, and suddenly the world was falling around him. Everything felt weak, and pointless. So much for being the treasurer of The Connor Project. What was he now, but a mere shadow to Evan? Alana, even. 

All Jared could do, was shrug it off. Ignore it. Pretend nothing happened, and go back to thinking of Evan as just a family friend. Maybe not even that anymore. Maybe there was a downgrade from Family Friends. Jared couldn't think straight at the moment, so he couldn't think of a downgrade. He'd stick with Family Friend. Or, " _My mom's friend's son_ ". That was a stretch, though. Nobody would want to say that 3 times fast. 

Jared shook everything off, and got up from his bed, walking out of his room and down the hall to the balcony. If there was one place Jared could go to calm down, it was the roof. He could do anything up there, and nobody would give a care in the world. Even his parents could give less of a shit. Ever since Jared was 13, the roof was his escape from everything. There were days when his parents were fighting, or days that he would just want to hang out up there, and so, he would climb from the balcony onto the shingles on the roof. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable place to sit, or anything, but he made do. He'd bring his phone up with him, and just listen to his Spotify playlist, while just chilling under the sun, or even sometimes the moon. The time right now, was around 5:00, which meant the sun was still up, just starting to get lower. He jumped onto the railing, and then pulled himself up onto the roof, with whatever upper body strength he had from his summer camps. 

He let out a sharp breath once he had made it up, crawling up to a taller point of the roof, sitting down. He took out his phone, and opened up Spotify, putting his playlist on shuffle. 

_"Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus_

He smiled lightly at his favourite song, and laid back, looking up at the blue sky above him. It was calming, but the thoughts wouldn't leave his head. He couldn't help but think about everything. About how he could have prevented all of this from happening. Or could he have? There was either Evan telling the truth in the first place, or letting it play out like this. No happy medium. The Connor Project was a mistake. And Jared knew it. Sure, it helped kids struggling from depression, and anxiety, and whatnot. But it also fucked a lot of people up. He could only imagine what the Murphy's would think, when Evan told them it was all faux. That all the emails were forged, and that Connor's "suicide note" was just Evan's damn sex letter to himself. Evan got caught up in the lie. Something he said he wouldn't do. But who could believe Evan Hansen? Nobody, anymore.

Jared hated to admit that working with Evan, made him the happiest he had been in a long while. Writing those fake emails. The feeling of Evan leaning over him to read what he was writing. He felt blood rush to his face at the sheer thought. Another thing that he hated to admit, was that he liked Evan. Not just as a friend-- or, family friend. But as a crush. He had for a while, and just covered it up with asshole remarks, and heterosexual jokes. He had known that Evan was into Zoe, so he couldn't exactly tell him about his feelings. It would be abnormal for their situation, anyway. You can't fall in love with your damn coworker. Not that Evan was his coworker, he was just working with him to forge a bunch of emails, that a dead kid supposedly wrote. That felt like some sort of felony, and it probably was one. Impersonating a dead kid, perfect reason be sent to jail. He closed his eyes, and sucked in a deep breath. 

As much as he wanted to scream about how much of an asshole Evan Hansen truly was, he couldn't find the willpower to do so. He let out the breath, in a sharp exhale, and opened his eyes, sitting up. Evan wasn't an asshole. He did many things right. He made the Murphy's so happy, for so long. And that, was good. Even if it was a lie, he still made that family happy, and that was eye-opening. He also got so much nice feedback from supporters of the project. From Facebook, to Twitter, to Instagram. Everyone was talking about The Connor Project. Of course, that was stressful. It was everywhere. Jared had never seen this much feedback on anything; especially positive. Part of it was a relief, and part of it was torture. Evan was a new person, and that scared Jared. He could feel the tension, as soon as Zoe and him started to date. Unrequited love songs entered his playlist, as well as songs of jealousy. He really had no reason to be jealous. Evan was happy, and that's what mattered. I guess that was another pro. Seeing the smile on Evan's face when he was talking to Zoe. The smile of pure bliss. As he read through the comments on the project... nobody would notice but Jared; the way the corners of Evan's mouth folded up into a small, soft smile, as he read all of the thank you's, and praises. This glimmer of hope in his eyes. It was perfect to Jared.

He felt himself blush more the thought of Evan. He shut his eyes tight, telling himself to stop thinking about him. He couldn't like him anymore. It was sacrilege. He devoted himself to hating him-- or, disliking him. He could never hate him. Ever. 

But he did have a lot to say about him.   
Some good, some bad.

Jared wished he could say all of those things to his face without freaking out. But he knew that he would never be able to. Evan wouldn't even look at him anymore after today, most likely. And suddenly, he'd be a shadow again. To everybody. No more attention, or love, or support. It made Jared shake. He tensed a bit, and ran his fingers through his hair. He shook his head again, and opened his eyes, his vision a bit blurry. He blinked, and a few tears trickled down his cheeks. He wiped them away fast. He never let himself cry. And even if the events today were impacting him in a bad way, he still wouldn't let himself cry. Or panic. Or freak out.

Maybe it was too late to stop himself.

He let more tears fall down his face, sniffling, and wiping them away. He missed Evan. It had only been a few hours, but the feeling of guilt had definitely settled in. He swallowed roughly, and took in a shaky breath, taking off his glasses, resting them by his phone. He covered his face in his hands, and cried more. He wished that he could apologize for everything. He wished he had the balls to. But he didn't. So, instead, he'd let himself wallow. He'd remind himself not to talk to him. Not to look at him. Not to do anything devoted to him. He'd just forget about him. 

But deep inside himself, he knew that he would never forget about him. They could have been apart for 20 plus years, and Jared would still think about him every now and then. He shivered, and tried to reassure himself that he would never forgive Evan for anything he did, and that he would never apologize to him, himself. If that meant losing out on his car insurance, so be it. That's what part-time jobs are for. He couldn't let himself like Evan anymore. He couldn't. It was illegal, now.

Jared let himself stifle out a small sob, biting down hard on his lip afterward. He needed to shut himself up before his neighbours, or worse, his parents, heard him. He wiped his face a few times with his sleeve, and reached for his glasses, raising them up to his face, and sliding them on. He blinked a few tears back, and figured it was good a time as ever to get off the roof, before his vision became too hazy. He grabbed his phone, and slid down the slant, jumping down onto the balcony. He perfected the landing, falling straight onto his feet. He pushed up his glasses, and slowly reentered the house, walking down the hall to his room, his music still on full blast; _"Space Oddity" by David Bowie_ now playing. He straightened himself out as he got into his room, brushing off any mental problem that he may have, picking it up, and throwing in into the dumpster. He couldn't have his parents asking about him. So, he wouldn't let them. He'd hide his feelings like he always did. Stay in his room and play video games. But most importantly, he would try to forget about Evan Hansen.


End file.
